Dreams and fear you were sick

December 9, 2021

Living with chronic illness


Did you know I was having nightmares of you dying and leaving me before we even heard the “C” word? Did you know I would panic if I thought you were outside just a little too long or I couldn’t find you, not knowing you had gone outside? I had a fear that you had collapsed and needed my help, and I wasn’t there to give you aid. I had a fear that you passed on because I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most. 

I couldn’t understand where these thoughts and dreams were coming from.

After all, of the two of us, you were the healthiest. No physical ailments other than the heart murmur you were born with. You could eat ice cream, a sandwich and a sweet every night before bed and not have to worry about getting fat. It made me so “mad” that you could have blood work done and everything came out great, even if you ate a steak for dinner and still had that ice cream before bed. It just wasn’t fair. I gained weight just watching you eat all those treats before bed, and could do everything I was supposed to do in the hopes my blood work would come back even slightly improved from the time before, to no avail. 

Now I know my fears were signs…

Signs to me that changes in your health were coming and I needed to prepare for it. Now, instead of just thoughts or dreams, I am living the nightmare that I could lose you from the cancer in your stomach. 

I feverishly pray for a miracle: that when all the chemo, surgery, and radiation is done, I will have you for 30 or 40 more years. You have so much more living to do. Who else will keep me in line? Haha! You have future grandchildren to snuggle, love, and spoil. 

I love you so much, and will until MY dying day!  ~Nicole

Did this letter resonate with you? I would love to hear about it! 

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  1. I do relate to your thoughts and worries. But never did I think for a minute you two would be going through this instead of us. Your generation has our hearts and are our legacy. We love you and pray your prayers are answered. Your prayers are our prayers. ❤️❤️

    1. Aunt Lois,
      There are so many times as I am writing, I feel you by my side because I know you can realte to a lot of what I am writing. I never thought when we initially heard the scary cancer word that we would be here either. I love you so much and can feel your love and prayers for us. Thank you and love you!
      Big hugs,

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