I just want to hold onto you so tightly and not ever let go! So many days I feel like this. And yet, if the unthinkable is to happen, it won’t matter how much I clung to you because it will never be long enough.
I am just so damn scared of losing you.
I want to think positively and set the intention that you WILL be here for a very long time. But my heart…it just hurts so much! Watching you the past month in excruciating pain, and not only seeing but feeling all your muscle mass gone, so that you are literally skin and bones—my heart just hurts!
I am sick of being scared all the time.
I’m sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am anxious about the PET scan in March. In some ways it can’t come soon enough. Other times, I don’t want it to come because if it isn’t what we want to hear, I don’t want to know. I just want to live in the not-knowing, and hope beyond hope the chemo and radiation took all the cancer away.
It is difficult seeing you become sad and depressed. You usually have a good attitude, but this is wearing on you. The pain, lack of sleep, worrying about us, all add up and would break down the hardest of individuals.
After the radiation…
I asked you again if all the suffering you have endured has been worth it. You did not say yes right away, like you did prior to the second round of chemo and radiation. You hesitated and said, “I hope so.”
I am preparing myself for you to say “no more treatment” if, in March, we find out our worst fears have come true and the cancer has spread.
I am feeling abandoned by hope.
I am starting to struggle to envision you in the not-too-distant future. Rather, I envision trying to put one foot in front of the other without you. And I hate it! I feel like I am letting you down because these thoughts are coming more often. I feel like my mind should be doing the opposite and it isn’t. It is so frustrating!
I HATE you, cancer! Why couldn’t you just have left us alone? I hope you decide to give us compassion, like Lexi’s song, and decide we have had enough of you. Leave us alone with our family intact.