Mind Tricks

February 5, 2022


I just want to hold onto you so tightly and not ever let go! So many days I feel like this. And yet, if the unthinkable is to happen, it won’t matter how much I clung to you because it will never be long enough.

I am just so damn scared of losing you.

I want to think positively and set the intention that you WILL be here for a very long time. But my heart…it just hurts so much! Watching you the past month in excruciating pain, and not only seeing but feeling all your muscle mass gone, so that you are literally skin and bones—my heart just hurts!

I am sick of being scared all the time.

I’m sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am anxious about the PET scan in March. In some ways it can’t come soon enough. Other times, I don’t want it to come because if it isn’t what we want to hear, I don’t want to know. I just want to live in the not-knowing, and hope beyond hope the chemo and radiation took all the cancer away.

It is difficult seeing you become sad and depressed. You usually have a good attitude, but this is wearing on you. The pain, lack of sleep, worrying about us, all add up and would break down the hardest of individuals.

After the radiation…

I asked you again if all the suffering you have endured has been worth it. You did not say yes right away, like you did prior to the second round of chemo and radiation. You hesitated and said, “I hope so.”

 I am preparing myself for you to say “no more treatment” if, in March, we find out our worst fears have come true and the cancer has spread.

I am feeling abandoned by hope.

I am starting to struggle to envision you in the not-too-distant future. Rather, I envision trying to put one foot in front of the other without you. And I hate it! I feel like I am letting you down because these thoughts are coming more often. I feel like my mind should be doing the opposite and it isn’t. It is so frustrating!

I HATE you, cancer! Why couldn’t you just have left us alone? I hope you decide to give us compassion, like Lexi’s song, and decide we have had enough of you. Leave us alone with our family intact.

Mitch, I love you with all my heart ‘til MY dying day!


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  1. Oh Nicole ….my heart is heavy for you and your entire family. I pray for comfort and I pray for a miracle of healing…

    1. Suzie,
      Well said! Cancer is the devil and it SUCKS! I never dreamed when Mitch first got diagnosed with it that we would be where we are today. Next month will be a year when all the wheels were put in motion. That is when Mitch first had the pains in his stomach which led him to the doctor and then to diagnosis in April. It is such a short amount of time and yet there are days it feels like we have been dealing with this for much longer. Today, I was buoyed by hearing birds singing as I walked Leo. Hopefully, it is a sign to brighter things for us as well. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers as well!

  2. My heart is so sad for you, Mitch, the kids, and the rest of the family. Too many people I know right now are dealing with that UGLY word. How can this be fair to any of you? I hate it! You are strong, we have all seen that – but remember to take care of yourself too. Mitch needs you to be healthy and that means you need to listen to your body! We continue to keep you all in our prayers and hope those prayers are answered! Take care my friend, and keep writing as it is helping so many people. ❤️ and 🙏🏻S

    1. Shadell,
      Thank you for being my fighter when I don’t have much fight left. Your words brought tears to my eyes in appreciation for you. You are right, there are way too many people having to deal with this ugly word. We are just one case in way too many families dealing with this heartache. NOT FAIR to any of them! I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have the writing to help me cope. It is one way of taking care of myself. I am humbled how it is helping others as well. Love ya friend!

  3. You were able to put into words the thoughts that go through our minds as we age—even without that horrible cancer diagnosis. Though you might not know-we are thinking of and praying for all of you.

    1. Joan,
      What a great insight you have. I guess I never thought of that but it makes perfect sense. Oh, I know we have a whole community and then some praying ferverently for a miracle. We are so appreciative of the legions of people who take time out of their day to pray for us. Very humbling!

    1. Claudia,
      Thank you! We are so fortunate to have all of you warriors standing strong for us so we can hopefully have our miracle!

  4. Nicole I really feel so sad for you! I watched my mom go through this when my dad had cancer. It changes all your dreams for the future and your way of life. I am praying that Mitch’s outcome is different from my dads!! Please know you are not alone. Prayers for Mitch to have a good pet scan in March!

    1. Deb,
      Thank you so much! Yes, dreams definitely change – everything changes in a blink of an eye. Some good, some just plain heart wrenching. We appreciated all the prayers. Three weeks to go for PET scan.

  5. Beautifully written.. but it breaks my heart to see Mitch & your family going thru such agony. No it’s no fair.. you are in my thoughts & prayers daily. ❤️ & 🙏🏼

    1. Jane,
      Thank you for the kind words. We appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. Prayers help a lot in situations like these.

  6. You put into words what I thought with both my son and husband. I held onto hope and prayed so much, but in the end nothing worked. At first I wished that it was me instead of them. I watched them both become weaker and in so much pain. I saw them give up hope. When things got so bad I asked God to end there suffering. I miss them every day…but I tell myself that they are in a better place and the pain and worry is gone.

    Some days it is very hard to accept what has happened to our family….things change so much and the loneliness…..unexplainable.

    To say I know that I know what you are going through is half true. We all go through this DAMN cancer hell differently. Cope differently. Grieve differently.

    I found my “Group” of people I could talk to and break down in front of and just let my feelings out in front of….it helped me to have them.

    I miss my old family but I had to move on for the family I still have..not an easy task but one that had to happen.

    Cancer doesn’t just invade the stricken person…it invades and changes the whole family.

    1. Stevie,
      Yes, yes, yes! Everything you said is so true. As I was reading it, I was nodding my head. Any “ailment” attacks the fiber of your family, not just the one who has the symptoms. The lonliness… I have a wonderful support system, and yet there are times, I just feel so alone. Right now I cherish everytime I can look over and see Mitch, touch him, hold his hand and kiss him. It’s these “ordinary” moments that I tuck away into my heart and memories.

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