Mitch,
This morning started off tenacious. Since you are going in to work later in the morning, I miscalculated when you were getting up to get ready. I couldn’t sleep so I got up and waited quietly until I thought you were starting to wake up. Well, I miscalculated.
I was hurt…
When you came down and asked me to turn down the TV in a gruff voice, I was immediately hurt. I assumed it was anger or frustration, but after I thought about it more, I realized it was hurt.
Without meaning to…
that one statement asking me to turn down the TV made me feel like all that I have done and am doing to make you as comfortable as possible just evaporated. I felt small, selfish, and hurt. I felt like all I have done for you didn’t matter to you, so why was I bending over backwards to do so?
My own sleep has been hindered due to the pain, burning, and itching caused by my psoriasis acting up from all the stress. My psyche is struggling to stay above the dark hole that wants to swallow me up. I am scared all the time about every decision or action I make or don’t make. I want to make sure it is the best for you in your cancer journey.
I am getting lost in this.
Who am I? I am not normally a person who is fearful all the time, who struggles to make decisions, who struggles to know who she is. I know she is still lurking inside of me just waiting to be seen again.
With all my love-
Nicole
PS This letter was written prior to Mitch’s passing.
Yes I know these feelings. Sometimes I am so tired and I do get hurt when I get a gruff answer or asked to make something different for dinner.
Mary,
Yes, and it is hard at times to take this in stride when all your emotions are on overload.
Blessing,
Nicole