Mitch,
The Queen song “Under Pressure” is definitely hitting home right now. There are days I feel like I am in a pressure cooker, waiting to let out the steam. I think I did let it out pretty well in a previous letter to you, titled “Not Right.”
We are under pressure waiting…
for your weight to start going up, rather than down or maintaining. We are not out of the woods yet for you to need a feeding tube. This is a path we do not want to go down if we can help it. Again, it’s not that you are not eating or don’t have an appetite, it’s that you have only a third of your stomach left after surgery. I think we are making the right decision having Dr. Gupta look into your thyroid levels, just in case this is part of the weight problem.
We are under pressure to make sure that our children…
are being taken care of emotionally through all of this. It doesn’t matter that they are adult children; they are still our children. It isn’t fair that they have to watch the father they love so deeply, go through this hell. They are living in a nightmare right now.
We are under pressure monetarily. We have to make sure we have enough to pay for the medical and daily bills while still trying to live a full life, knowing our days are numbered. We are trying to pack a lifetime of making memories into what may be a shorter time frame.
We are under pressure to find joy…
in every day we have together. It is weird to think of this as pressure, but at times it is. We want to make the most of each day with one another, but some days all we can do is rest. You need to start regaining strength, healing from the surgery, chemo, radiation and immunotherapy. I need to rest so my fibromyalgia doesn’t take over my life again. I feel even more pressure to stay healthy and strong.
We are under pressure to plan…
for the worst outcome while praying and hoping for the opposite. It is so easy to put off these plans because really, who wants to talk about losing the love of their life, especially when that may be sooner than hoped?
We are under pressure to make sure neither one of us stays depressed for too long—that we get up and embrace the day.
We are under many pressures, but one thing that has never felt pressured is the love I have for you. We also are fortunate that we have so many people supporting us to ease our pressures. We have so much to be grateful for.
With all my love –
Nicole
PS Readers, this was written prior to Mitch’s passing.
