When we first heard the word “cancer,” we were adamant we would not back down. As we go through each of the protocols to slay this demon, it is harder to stand by this phrase.
I don’t want to back down, but at what cost?
I don’t want you living in pain, sleeping only three to four hours a night, unable to enjoy food, not present in the lives of your loved ones…
Right now, we are not letting cancer win; we are not backing down. But what happens in March, if we don’t hear what we want to hear? I am praying, along with legions of others, that we WILL hear the miracle: the cancer is gone! But I have to admit, I am not pinning all my hopes on it like I did with the surgery. I am preparing myself for the worst-case scenario. Even so, it will split me apart all over again.
As I write this…
I feel like I am betraying you, losing hope, that I don’t want you in my life anymore. Yet I know you do not feel that way. Lord knows, I definitely DO want you in my life! I want us to grow old together, til our teeth fall out and we are rocking on the porch watching the grandkids and great-grandkids running around us, asking if we were part of the wagon train coming west. Haha!
I feel like I am letting you down…
by feeling this way and yet, from conversations we have had of late, I think this is where you are as well. I am preparing myself for you to say “no more treatment” if the nightmare is to continue. I could see you finishing the immunotherapy to October, but letting cancer take its course after that.
I love you more than words can say. I admire you for trying not to back down to cancer. You are the most amazing man I have ever known.
With all my love –
Picture from around 2005
PS Readers this was written prior to Mitch’s passing.